The Christian Tradition often use the phrase, “Christianity is not a religion but a relationship.” However, over the years I have counseled with countless Christians who are disheartened and feel shame because they were not able to get a “relationship with God” to work the way they were told it should happen.

In my view, it can be harmful to tell people that a person can/should relate and interact with God in the same way as two human beings.

I cannot, for example, relate to or interact with animals, stars, flowers, music, or the sunset in the exact same way I relate to or interact with my best friend. It is patently obvious that two human beings interacting and relating could not be replicated by one human being interacting with a non-material reality. And yet this idea is prevalent in Christian theism as God is presented as a person-like being, particularly expressed through anthropomorphism in the Bible.

People report having all kinds of different religious and spiritual experiences, but it’s a whole other thing to tell people that they “should” be able to relate to and interact with God in the same way they might relate to a significant other. It is often conveyed that this is the litmus test for being a true Christian. The super-spiritual Christian is one who has mystical dialogue with God, connects with God on the level of human emotions, routinely interacts with God conversationally, and has experiences of being held, protected and comforted in the arms of God. Contemporary worship songs often use romantic metaphors and sexual innuendo in ways that are misleading and dangerous.

I find deep meaning in the different ways I relate to ultimate or transcendent reality. Our religious and spiritual experiences are unique to each of us, and we shouldn’t use them as a standard for others to follow. Christians are prone to assume that everyone should be relating to God within the framework of a “personal relationship”. The lyrics of one popular Christian worship song begs Jesus to “hold me in your arms, never let me go, Lord I want to see your face, feel the warmth of your embrace.”

In some religious circles, God is addressed as “papa” in the same way as an earthly father. Romantic terms are also sometimes used to describe relationship with God such as Jesus-as-my-Husband, Jesus-as-my-boyfriend, God-as-my-lover.

God doesn’t have to be a “person” to be meaningful to you in deeply personal ways. An alternative is to open oneself to deeply meaningful and profound experiences of love, serenity, peace, comfort, connection and belonging along the everyday paths of life. These can be felt through everyday experiences if a person is present and open to them in any given moment.

I have found that the source of love, peace and wholeness is not a supernatural human-like religious Gandalf-God up in the sky who comes to me in the form of a cosmic interpersonal or romantic relationship. Instead, I have found that the most sacred, divine, deeply meaningful and profound experiences I have, come to me as a natural part of my lived human experience. Another way to say it might be that the possibility for profound, transcendent and transformational experience is woven into the very nature of reality itself.

Jesus himself blurred the lines between what is “divine” and what is “human.” He said he was both simultaneously. Whatever “God” is or could be, it’s not a religious compartment or located in some being up in the sky or separate from my experiences as a human being.

The possibility of these experiences is always available, and the deciding factor has to do with my openness, and awareness of how life comes to me in the present moment. Having said that, we can get carried away with some elaborate explanation about how to “be present in the moment.” It’s not that complicated. We can also falsely assume that life should be one love or serenity experience after another. That’s not real. Life is also sadness, sorrow, hardship and difficulty. They are also the human moments that shape and deepen us.

“Relationship with God” is the centerpiece for many people involved in Christianity. The idea is based on the premise that God is a person/human-like supreme being and relates to people directly and individually through the avenue of interpersonal relationship, which includes elements such as two-way communication, the expression of love and caring, and a mutually satisfying and intimate closeness.

Countless people have shared with me their feelings of failure and shame because they were not able to experience “relationship with
God” in ways that were described to them.

People who shed religion often deconstruct their idea of “God” in a way that no longer makes “personal relationship with God” a reasonable proposition. However, it should be noted that even the Bible itself refers to God as spirit, and many people understand that the anthropomorphic descriptions of God in the scriptures are not meant to be taken literally.

It’s okay to hold different views of God and stop believing that God is your “papa”, the Spirit is your “lover” and Jesus is your “boyfriend”.